A Guide to Cyber-Stalking

Stalking is a science. And every science is a subtle form of art. So is stalking. It takes some amount of practice to be able to transform into an invisible hawk, gliding effortlessly amidst countless profiles on the social network. Now that is one necessity of stalking – stealth about which you will be enlightened in the coming few paragraphs.

Before we dig any deeper, it would be wise to familiarize ourselves with some technical terms concerned with the field of stalking.

Stalker – the culprit, the one who indulges in stalking irrespective of the self-interest or the lack of it involved.

Stalkee – the one being stalked, the target (crush, crush ka boyfriend whatever)

Friendliness (F) – a Boolean expression which evaluates to TRUE if the stalkee is a friend (connection or follower) of the stalker, and FALSE otherwise.


Stalking is a basic two-element process and they form the pillars a successful stalker stands on. They are…

1. Stealth

One of the prime pillars of a successful stalk operation, it is defined as the act of invisibility. In terms of Facebook, stealth is the process of avoiding visibility on the Facebook ticker of the stalkee at all times and also off the timeline.

To achieve 100% stealth rate, the stalker must refrain from liking the cuteness filled profile pictures and the ‘wid ma frnds’ photo albums. The stalker must suppress his urge to post a sarcastic reply, or to correct the stalkee’s grammatical stupidity; instead he can alert the nearby Grammar Nazi post if he must.

Increasing the friendliness may assist in stalking as it reduces the excruciating pain when the profile details are hidden from non-friends. Following someone on Facebook is sin among stalkers, equivalent to robbers publicly shouting who their target is.

2. Curiosity

To be a successful stalker, you must not let the stalker in you run out of curiosity. Stalk every one mentioned in your crush’s status updates or the tweets, and everyone he/she mentions in his/her statuses. Scan the profiles of every soul directly related to your known ones, the ones who comment after you on your favorite’s DP, the ones above and below your comments.

For eg. When you are added to the secret group of CG, scan the complete group and the profiles of every human belonging to the circus… err… ok moving on.

Being a true vella may help the cause but in fact it’s the passion within your heart that motivates you to stalk. Never let that passion run out of inspiration. As a famous personality once said, “Wake up, connect to the internet, and stop not until all the souls on the social networks are stalked.

A major reason why Orkut phased out in the blink of an eye is because it displayed the profile visitors on the homepage, which evidently, is hell for stalkers. Facebook is a boon in modern times. Make hay while the sun shines.

Tip – Use Facebook’s graph search as an aid in stalking. Enter the target’s contact number available, and watch as his/her presence on the internet elsewhere unfolds.

Stay hungry, stay foolish, keep stalking.

The author is a certified stalker with 5 years of first-hand experience in Facebook stalking, and holds a Bachelor of Stalking (B.S.) degree from the University of Professional Stalking, Maryland, USA (NSA Headquarters are here too coincidentally).

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