Coldplay, Money And How You Can Spend It Better

All the desirable things in my life are either illegal, expensive or dating someone else. So that translates to climbing the Eiffel Tower naked, Coldplay concert tickets and Momina Mustehsan (the Afreen Coke Studio girl). Now I can let the first and the last slide because being a bigger man and all that but when it comes to Coldplay, I’m ever so torn. Rs. 35000 for a ticket, 1 TICKET, O N E! If anyone is going to pay that much for 1 concert ticket, it better involve a threesome with Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence as the closing segment while Coldplay performs LIVE on “Fix you” in the background. That might just be worth a few thousand.

For those of you who HAVE paid 10k/12k/15k or whatever for the tickets, if you have any unmarried siblings/first cousins, drop in an e-mail once you’re done reading this article because well, it doesn’t harm to try. I am a man of mid- 20s and interested in women.For those of you who love Coldplay as much if not more, here’s how you can use that money slightly better.

1. Bobby Deol DJ Night

Coldplay might fix you, but DJ Bobby Deol will absolutely heal you. The night should cost roughly 1500/2000 depending on how drunk you can get to get through the night. If it helps, there’s probably a lottery going on for who can last the longest and gets to take home some sort of cash prize. Besides, when you can have a duniya that is haseenon ka mela, you don’t really need lights to guide you home and fix you.

2. Become a fashion blogger

This is one thing that you might actually mint money from. Spend around 4-5k on an Instagram account and acquire followers. Use some weird vascodegama hashtags on your posts to gain visibility. Post a selfie everyday regardless of how you look and what you’re wearing with the hashtag #OOTD and tadah! Congratulations, you’re now an instagram certified fashion blogger. Wait for some brand to contact you about some bullshit social media campaign where you will have no effect on the audience but will still get paid nonetheless.

3. Get a Tattoo that says ‘I got this from the money I saved by not going to the Coldplay Concert’

Yes, you have earned it. Getting this tattoo will hurt a lot less than paying almost 15000 to watch Coldplay perform for less than an hour. Contrary to what it is being sold as, this is NOT an out and out Coldplay concert. They’d have the stage for approximately 30-45 minutes at best. You are also shelling out 15k to watch Katrina Kaif, Monali Thakur, Farhan Akhtar and Arjun Kapoor. No matter how bad that tattoo hurts or how stupid it looks, it will always and ALWAYS look less stupid than paying 15000 to watch Arjun Kapoor and Katrina Kaif on stage. *mic drop*

4. Hire a Singer

Brainstorm on youtube/soundcloud little bit and find someone’s voice you like. Then you hire that guy to sing covers of Coldplay to you all day every day for a whole month. Any upcoming/relatively less popular singer must be affordable and in budget. And what’s better is that you’d have your own mini personal concert going on all the time. Might even add some Bhojpuri remixes in there because let’s face it, those are the real drugs we survive on.

5. Attempt a Guiness World Record

Contrary to the popular myth that you GET money for entering the Guiness Book of World Records, you actually have to pay to avail their services. Ashrita Furman holds the world record for crushing the most eggs using his head in 1 minute. He put 80 eggs through his head and attained this peculiar feat.

Think you can do better? This will cost a lot less than a Coldplay concert ticket and in case you break your skull trying to break the eggs, you can always listen to Fix You later because #thereisnothingacoldplaysongcantfix.

I am a massive massive Coldplay fan. So much so that I’d actually considered paying 5k and flying over to Bombay to attend the concert. But then I sat down till the feeling passed and sanity prevailed once again. So I’m back to my usual self and waiting for the Global Citizen draw this Sunday. I’ve also signed up on Tinder and shaadi.com as well hoping that I’d match with someone who either has tickets or is willing to get married in exchange for enough shagun to help me afford them.

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