We Watched Fifty Shades Darker To Save You From The Horror It Stores

“Nobody came. Literally and otherwise”
– Box Office Ticket Collectors

That sums up the review of Fifty Shades Darker, the second instalment of Fifty Shades Trilogy. Don’t stop reading. The review gets better from here on. Far better than the movie at least!

Official run time: 2 hours.
Meaningful part: 0 min.
Time taken to recover from trauma: 1 week

As February arrived, people crossed days off their calendar and eagerly awaited the release of an international blockbuster guaranteed to leave one breathless. We’re talking, of course, about John Wick: Chapter Two. However, there was one more release of a sequel that several viewers felt would perhaps outdo the first movie in drama. Wait, that’s Jolly LLB 2.

What were we reviewing again?

Yes, Fifty Shades Darker, the popular erotic-romance-drama-mediocrity that has captured the imagination of several pre-teens and above-40s worldwide. It is the second movie in the Fifty Shades of Barf series, and the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey. Does this mean there are more movies to come? Sadly, yes. This is the movie your significant other will attempt to drag you to this Valentine’s weekend. Should this happen, the only escape is changing your identity and becoming a Russian spy. There is no other way to escape this commitment.

However, we digress. Apart from all its flaws, Fifty Shades Darker does have some uses we conveniently overlook. It can expose a severe literary deficiency in a person’s reading habits. It can also serve as a great setting for couples who wish to primarily make out in the theatre. This movie is excellent if you ever felt you’re too smart to fit into your group of friends and wish to drop a few IQ points. *Oops*

If you’ve read the books, you already don’t have many expectations from the adaptation. The best and the most arousing thing about the movie is probably its background score, and that’s about it. While we did love Beyonce’s rendition of crazy in love in the first part, Miguel’s rendition in the sequel is even better.

Performers like Rita Ora ( As christian’s sister, Mia) or Kim Basinger (as the evil Mrs. Robinson, Elena) are grossly under utilised, as are the movie’s lead actors. While one doesn’t really expect much from Dokota Johnson as Anastasia Steele ( Fifty Shades of Grey already set the bar pretty low. As expression less as a rock, she beats even Kristen Stewart in the Twilight series). Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey seems completely clueless, to say the least. People who have witnessed his work as Paul Spector in BBC’s “The Fall” will definitely be disappointed.

So, the movie picks up where the last one ended, with the shy but “level headed” Ansastasia realising her “arrangement” with the playboy millionaire isn’t working out. However, since we do have to move the story forward, back they come together, with Mr. Grey calmly informing his lady that he wants her back. 

The movie stays most loyal to the book, thankfully editing out any references to Ana’s ‘inner goddess’. While there many instances of ‘kinky fuckery’, BDSM here seems to stand for Badly–Done-Sexual-Manifestations. Sexual tension in the movie is as absent as logic in the book. It takes the brooding Mr. Grey hardly a minute to get his blushing beauty to orgasm in a crowded lift ( Being super rich apparently gives you super powers, call him Mr. Magic Fingers.) People who are actually into BDSM are in for some mental whipping for the movie is unquestionably something of an anti climax.

Almost two hours later, we’ve witnessed boats and balls (referring to parties here, seriously you guys), stalking ex girlfriends, crashing helicopters and opulence of every kind but hardly any good acting, or film making, for that matter.

In certain scenes, you want to file a lawsuit against the film makers (mental trauma is a ground, of course) but mainly because Dakota Johnson looks so malnourished that you can literally count her ribs. Staying true to her character in the book, all Anastasia ever does, even in the movie, is smile shyly through her eyelashes and gasp every time she so much as looks at Mr. Grey. Forget domination, this poor child needs to be fed first *brings Butter Chicken*

The scene between Ana and Mrs. Robinson, one of the most interesting parts of the book is also particularly miserable in the movie (well duh!) with the two woman sparring with each other as if they’re fighting for the last garment on sale.

Watch it if you have absolutely nothing to do? NO!! Those watching it for well, deriving a certain kind of cinematic pleasure will be sorely disappointed. The movie isn’t about Sadism, its simply SAD. Might we suggest reading a Mills & Boon instead?

Ultimately, if you still do summon the courage to watch it, we would advise you to pay close attention to the movie, which moves at a breakneck pace of a human on horse tranquillisers. Getting a little drunk before entering the movie hall would be a good idea. Or, do yourself a favour and just download Oscar nominee Manchester by the Sea. Thank us later.

IMDB: wut/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: Throw some at ‘em
Campusghanta Rating: 1/ 5 ( extra marks for good handwriting?)

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