Did you ever get stuck with that group of nerds who just seem to know everything? Or do you want to appear more cool and intellectual in-front of that chick/dude you want to go out with? Ever wondered, how in Good lord's name do these weird bastards get laid so much? Worry not. We present you the Dummies guide to look intelligent. Believe it or not, more intellectual you are perceived to be, more respected you are. And lets not even talk about how the chances of you getting laid go up exponentially. Ask Padma Lakshmi why she slept with that bald chap. So here are a few quick pointers which will definitely help you.
1) Get a pair of glasses: And no, I dont mean the Ray Ban Aviator look alike which you bought from CP. Wear spectacles. It will go a long way to prove you know your shit. That guy was not lying when he said "First impression is the last impression."
2) Don't Speak: Do not speak a lot. Because as soon as you open that mouth, all the aura you are trying to create will dispel. Try to look like a patient listener. Whenever in an conversation which leaves you no other option but to speak, just say "hmmm…" and smile mysteriously as if you are amused by what the next person is saying.
3) Claim not to know anything: I don't know how this works but whenever you claim to know nothing, people automatically assume you know every thing worth knowing on that topic. And frankly, why to deny anything like that? Now the real trick here lies in timing. While you are claiming that you know nothing, suddenly come up with one seemingly intelligent philosophical line about the topic. And then instantly go back to being the same.
4) Read Books: Ho ho ho! Hold your horses man! I am not making you read that fat book. Just make a list of few writers who are highly regarded in intellectual circles, Salman Rushdie, Taslima Nasreen, Ayn Rand, Arvind Adiga etc. Then read the book reviews online (Less than a page per book). And done! You are learned already! Nobody is going to test you on your knowledge by taking an examination. And if anybody does, go back to Point 2 and Point 3. And do not miss subtly dropping the fact that you have read 'Bhagwadgeeta', 'Koran', 'Bible' etc. and how awesomely similar they are.
5) Music: Ok. This one is going to be a bit tough. You will have to learn a few songs. Preferably Pink Floyd, GnR, Eric Clapton, Neil Diamond etc. You don't listen to anything else. No matter how much you love Himesh's nasal twangs or Justin Bieber's laundiya type voice, you cannot tell them that. If pressed more for you Hindi music preferences, best bet would be 'I am more into Indian Classical music' or talk about Kishore Kumar, Rafi, Mukesh, Hemant da. Do not forget to crap on the face of all the latest songs.
6) 'I don't care about how I dress': You may take hours in-front of that mirror trying to get that perfect disheaveled look, but whenever there is any discussion regarding clothes your take should be, "I find it pompous" or "I don't care". And if things are slipping out of your hands, just wonder aloud about the number of poor and homeless in this world. Remember, everybody likes an impeccably dressed person, no body wants to listen how one reached there.
7) Fountain Pen: Go to that stationary shop and buy yourself a good fountain pen. Make sure you have it with you in your pocket all the time. Keep a spare Rs.2 Chindi pen in your trousers to use at all other times but that Fountain Pen should be in your shirt pocket. Make sure every bill, every document you sign is signed by that pen. Smile sheepishly and exclaim how old-school you are and still love using fountain pens. Don't know why, but It works.
Dear friends, this is all for this time, but we will make sure to keep bringing important life lessons like these to you. If you have any suggestions, additions queries, feel free to comment or shoot a mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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