Brownwashed, Battered and Bruised, India Thumps England

The Oxford Dictionary got updated today.

England (n): Humiliation, Annihilation, Despair and Embarrassing.

Usage: Chandler was utterly England about having dated Janice (again).

I remember when Dhoni and co. got back from England having been whitewashed. I remember how the team got stick and absolutely hammered for their poor performances during the series. That was a dark day for the Indian cricket team. Henceforth, I will also remember how England have absolutely been decimated when tables turned and the conditions suited the Indian bowling. Meanwhile, Jimmy Anderson heads back to England with the cry baby of the year award. In what’s been a shithole of an year, seeing Anderson reduced to a pathetic sorry loser has definitely been a highlight.

The first test was all England had, really. A competitive match where India were in a little more than a spot of bother on the last day but eventually held firm to draw the Rajkot test. The England batting line-up looked in good shape. A strong deep batting line up that posed a decent challenge to the Indian spinners. And if it weren’t for some gritty displays by Ashwin and Kohli on the 5th day, the course of the rest of the series could’ve been a lot different.

Along we moved to Vishakhapatnam and a whopping 246 run victory followed. King Kohli had truly announced his arrival and Cook’s team was about to get roasted brown. The spin triplets of Ashwin, Jadeja and Jayant played their part in wrapping up a convincing victory. Anyone who saw England’s performance was definitely fearful for what was to come in the forthcoming test matches.

Next, the teams headed up north to the Punjabi land of Mohali. The test match was just a mere distraction. The main purpose was to get the Indian team to attend Yuvraj Singh’s wedding. Top the wedding off with a Virat-Anushka dancing clip and all the aunties had enough whatsapp material for the next 2 months. Back to the match. England were at their mediocre best, failing to touch the 300 run mark in both innings. Add to that a good all-round display by Jadeja. Thus, ensuring that India had a scanty target of 103 to chase down in the final innings. Choosing Gareth Batty as your second spearhead spinner is like choosing Rajpal Yadav to play the Hulk.

Having out played and out thought the English camp in the last 2 tests, on we moved to the Mecca of Indian cricket, the Wankhade stadium. Another KK (King Kohli) masterclass awaited us and the Delhi boy amassed a double century in Indian’s mammoth 600+ first innings total in response to England’s 400. There aren’t many teams who’d lose a test match having put up 400 on the board in the first innings. But then again, there aren’t many teams who are capable of England-ing themselves. A second innings collapse followed, with Ashwin picking up 6 wickets for the second time in the MATCH. A thumping victory by an innings and 36 runs and Cook and his men were burnt. The cherry on the cake that this series was would have been a sweet victory in Chennai.

England again crossed the 400 run mark in the first innings. This test match though, belonged to Karun Nair. 8 years on from Sehwag’s 319, Nair became only the second Indian to score a triple century. The 25 year old was playing in only his 3rd test match. If there is ever a way to announce yourself on the world stage, Karun Nair surely has aced it, in style. KL Rahul scored a brilliant 199 as India scored their highest ever total against England, eventually declaring at 759. Yes the pitch was flat. Yes there wasn’t much in it for the bowlers but England had been physically and mentally drained by the onslaught of the Indian batsmen. The damage was psychological at this point.

Remember how I said there aren’t many teams who’d score 400+ in the first innings and still manage to lose the game? England had to survive 1 day on a pitch that was deader than Batman’s parents. Lifeless and absolutely nothing in it. Unless England decided to become too much of themselves and that’s exactly what they did. Sir Jadeja ran through the line-up picking up 7 wickets and leaving England Brownwashed.

KK has truly stamped his authority on this team. There’s positivity, panache and a badass attitude about this team that had gone missing in the recent years. There’s no feeling of ‘almost there’. These guys know how to get the job done and absolutely love to take responsibility and stand up to get counted. With this victory, India registered their longest unbeaten streak in tests. Having been invincible for 19 tests now, India last lost a test match at home 4 years ago. To put it into perspective, the last L for the men in blue came at a time when that couple who just got married and uploaded their baby pictures on Facebook were still studying for their 12th board exams. Kohli has 14 wins from his 22 tests as captain and the Man of the Series seems to be getting better with every passing minute.

The future is in safe, secure and sexy hands(no correlation to Parthiv Patel’s keeping) and if this home season is a sign of the future of Indian cricket, we’re here to stay put at #1 for a long long time.

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