Indian Weddings – Food, Fats, Flash and Farts

Weddings are a billion dollar industry, and we love them. So long as it isn’t ours and we don’t have to spend too much on it, we do love weddings. No one minds the free food and the occasion to dress up and look their best. That is, if you don’t lie between the ages of 25 and 30, because then “beta, agla number tumhara hai”.

Weddings are a very important part of our culture. They may vary but they are constant. A change in government, or seasons, or the economy, or Bruce Jenner’s gender – nothing matters an iota when it comes to Indian weddings.

Indian weddings are over-the-top on everything, and they make the perfect backdrop for Instagram photos. Nothing says pretentious display like Indian weddings. They overdo the pettiest of things and there is too much of too many things.

Too much sparkle

Boy, do diamonds envy the Indian weddings! They even put rappers and fat singers to shame. It seems like the sun has come down on earth. It seems mine-struck. The aunties put on their finest, brightest jewelry and their saris sparkle no less. They scream glamour more than the Oscar, Cannes and BAFTA red carpets combined. There is no dearth of gold or silver and it is only such times, where you realize that India is not such a poor country after all!

Too many colors

You would mostly notice the bride wearing red and everyone else wearing 50 shades of red, green, blue, yellow, pink and what not! Weddings are mostly about women anyway. Men don’t take so much effort in dressing up. Most uncles follow their typical MJ black and white code. Some overenthusiastic ones do, however, opt for maroon or a darker-hitting-in-the-eye-too-bad color for these occasions. There is no such thing as too colorful or too bright. You will be judged though if you choose to go all plain and simple.

Too many oldies

Except for a bunch of funerals, oldies don’t really have a lot of events to attend. Wedding ceremonies are their version of Facebook. The only food-filled social gatherings with happy tears that they get to see are weddings, and they don’t miss them at any cost. It is a nice change to see and wear colors than what they see otherwise, at their age. They may not have teeth, they may not be able to walk, but they’d die before they miss their cousin’s daughter’s nephew’s wedding.

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Too much food

For a foodie, this is the real aisle to walk on. No matter which direction you go to, there will be food. Even the most anorexic person eats like a foodie in Indian weddings. On an average, there will be at least 5 types of salads, 10 types of sweets, 50 types of veggies and at least 100 different types of paneer-dishes. And that’s not even an exaggeration, but trust me; an Indian wedding is a foodie jackpot. People go empty stomach and come back puking and vomiting their intestines out. That’s the beauty of our culture; it makes you want to do crazy things. Once you hit the venue, you slowly loosen your belt or the drawstring of your bottoms as you walk down the street-food section which acts like a warm-up. A buffet where no one judges you because they are doing the same thing  – indulging in the best sin of them all, Gluttony! Cholestrol? Hah! What’s that?

Too much decoration

The only thing giving the bride too much complex would be the stage that she stands on. Some say that the decorations are ‘Pinterest’s wildest dreams gone rogue’. There will be all the decorations that you have seen growing up – balloons, bells, festoons, lights, sprinklers, sparkles, tints, beads, shells and what not! If not on the stage, you’ll see it on some woman’s attire. Guaranteed.

Too many performances

Weddings are a great place to have fun. That being said, it is fun unless you are made to watch a bunch of kids dance (if you can call it that). They run, hop, pull, laugh and annoy and people clap because they have to. It’s funny how polite people can be when all they want to do is throw the brick at those kids’ heads. And they say that India in intolerant. C’mon! You haven’t seen patience until you have seen this. However, at some point, despite everything, everyone dances and that becomes a great source of entertainment.

Too many complaints

Weddings are places where people form the most groups. There will be a bunch of aunties sitting and matchmaking and there will be others, and there will be a lot of them, who will just sit and complain – about how the weather is so hot (because that is the usual icebreaker for any conversation) or how the bride should have gone with a better choice of a husband, or dress. Or both. Or how the gulab jamuns could have been softer and sweeter (and how’d they know? That’s right. They ate 6).

Then you’ll see a bunch of uncles talking about cricket and politics (because, obviously, it is their icebreaker), or how the market is still suffering from recession and what steps Rajan should take to get the inflation rate to slow down, and how they can’t wait to go home and sleep (because weddings are too much for them and they already ate and drank beyond their capacity).

Indian weddings are full of drama and people. Gossips and discussions are complementary to it. So, just be careful of a little skin show on your part. The ladies don’t want to talk about you unless they just have to. And Lord be kind if you happened to like someone, you won’t be making the compelling case that you may think you are making, because dating is forbidden. Matchmaking however, is totally cool. In fact, it’s a must. Culture, you see.

Ah weddings! Love ’em, hate ’em, you just can’t avoid ’em, especially if you are unmarried and you have a middle-aged aunty living in your vicinity. So, the next time you’re at an Indian wedding, just have a lot of fun, eat your belly out and just be weary of the words, ‘You’re next’!

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