If Meryl Streep Was An Indian Actor Giving A Thank You Speech At The Filmfare

Award acceptance speeches tend to be pretty drab. The run of the mill always being, “I would like to thank the director, my parents/ better half, blah blah”. Sure Leonardo Di Caprio had a pretty cool speech which he dedicated to climate change. But then again, everything that man does is beyond cool. Unless you are Meryl Streep. This leading lady of Hollywood recently took not just Hollywood, but the whole world by storm when she dedicated her acceptance speech for the lifetime achievement award to well, putting Trump back in his place. And boy did she slay. To quote Cam from the Sitcom Modern Family, “Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice.”

The Golden Globe Awards is an annual event where the Hollywood Foreign Press Association recognizes excellence in film and television, quite like our Filmfare Awards, just with hundred times more credibility and minus all the unnecessary sad jokes and dance performances. Oh, and the awards are not already bought, either.

Now imagine a scenario if the same were to happen in Bollywood. What if Amitabh Bachchan (He’s probably the only one who comes close in comparison) were to point out the shortcomings of our current head of State and his latest screw up (The Demonetization policy) in his acceptance speech? Obviously considering that we do not expect our actors to have the intellect enough to say anything worthwhile, this will be a shock. And I feel this is whole situation, that will follow the speech, in the country:

1. Anti- National:

Of course our pseudo patriots and nationalists would lose no time in branding Mr. Bachchan anti- national and non- patriotic. Some news channels like India TV would go one step ahead and call him a traitor/terrorist, and ask that he be prosecuted under charges for Sedition. We can even see the news flash, “Aakhir kyun nahi hai Amitabh Bachchan ko desh se prem?”.

2. Ban Zindabad:

We have become really good at this. Does the movie have a Pakistani Actor? Ban. Did Amir say that his wife felt the country was growing intolerant? Ban! Poor Karan Johar had to literally release a public apology for taking an actor in his movie and Shahrukh Khan had to personally ensure MNS that Mahira Khan would not be promoting Raees in India. Thus, it would not be wrong to assume that a majority of our super loyalist nationals would start banning all Amitabh Bachchan’s movies and would even shut the TV off whenever he came in an advertisement.

3. Irresponsible Public Behaviour:

With us being in a country where every Tom, Dick and Harry has an opinion to share, the aunties in the kitty parties will be discussing why a public figure of Mr. Bachchan’s stature shall not do so publicly. And while samosas are being munched away, it will be discussed as to why Abhishek’s papa can really not understand the government’s strategy.

4. The Pakistan Connection:

Since everything that goes wrong in India has “Pakistan ka haath” in it we will ask if Amitabh Bachchan in fact is a Pakistani? Didn’t he play an Afghan’s role in Khuda Gawah? Everyone knows Afghanistan and Pakistan is practically the same thing. Anyway, wasn’t he always close to the Gandhi Family, especially to Rajiv Gandhi? Hence, proved! Now it makes complete sense!!! Send him to Pakistan!

5. Panel Discussions:

Every news channel across the country would go crazy playing and replaying the clip of the speech, and call “esteemed” panelists to come and dissect the whole speech and what could have caused it. Sambit Patraa would obviously be invited, and so would Subramaniam Swamy, add a self- proclaimed god man from the Hindu Mahasabha, and many others.

6. Arnab’s Return To The Newshour Debate:

SHRI AMITABH BACHCHAN! WHAT MOTIVATED YOU TO DELIVER SUCH A SPEECH AT AN AWARD FUNCTION? THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW! Seeing the amount of public outcry after the speech, Arnab Goswami would be forced to step out of his sabbatical and debate the issue in his trademark style. Since it’s Arnab’s debate, formalities like freedom of speech, the right to criticize the government, etc, would be on sabbatical, on the show.

7. Rahul Gandhi’s Tweets:

Rahul Gandhi would probably go crazy with excitement and start tweeting about how much he enjoyed Bachchan Senior’s performance in Farah Khan’s Happy New Year. (This is the shudder the government required!). He would probably also file a petition at the Supreme Court, since in his opinion Mr. Bachchan had just testified against Mr. Modi and this was ample proof.

8. Possible Political Motivation :

For these days, who isn’t politicaly motivated? Wasn’t he very close to the Samajwadi Party and Amar Singh at one point of time? His wife is already into politics, perhaps it is time even he made a mark for himself. And that too, just before Uttar Pradesh elections? *Tchk Tchk*. Must he target our supreme leader to further his own political goals, like this?

But worry not, with the current situation in the country, where the amount of your nationalism is measured by how many times you praise the PM in a day, such a situation would never arise. Our award shows will be limited to Farah Khan and Ritesh Deshmukh’s stupid jokes and stars dancing to their own songs. Cheers!

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