Monster in my head


[Author’s Note: The credit for this post goes to somebody who likes to call himself ‘Shinigami’.]


Its fucked up.

Its scarily fucked up.

What happens when an individual is deprived of basic primal needs…. you become an abomination or even worse, you become me.

Everything i see, everything I do, no matter when or where, is clouded by thoughts which could put me behind bars in any place in the world or get me stoned to death in some countries.

One would wonder how people like this blend in with the society. Well not everyone is very successful. Those who have no control come in the news for obvious reasons and then there are those who get on with their day to day duties like anyone one else but with a darkness always lurking in the back of their mind.

So, how do you survive? How do you coexist without sticking out ?

Its tough to divert the mind from the constant thought of banging the fuck out of anything that walks, because it takes the smallest things to trigger the monstrous urges. a pretty face, a tight t shirt, jeans , even a whiff of her perfume when you cross her path.

The first and obvious option is porn. Porn porn and more porn. I feel if it was not for porn the world would have been a very ugly place. I mean imagination can only take you so far. I thank the porn industry more than any other for they have not only brought balance to the world they might have even saved a lot of lives.

But then again there are people like me (trust me there are), whose needs have surpassed  what a video can satisfy. Obviously the first stage of reaching that level is excessive viewing of porn and self pleasuring to unhealthy levels until one day you sit back after an exhausting session wondering “what the fuck am I doing!” That’s when you start to think “There has to be another way out… something i can do to redirect this overwhelming urge and energy in a more positive area”.

Things did not become better immediately…because after a while, maybe 10 minutes I was back at it again.

As time passed I tried to control myself, distracting myself. After all, that is what was needed. A distraction from the biggest distraction in my life.

I decided that I needed to keep myself busy. Keep doing things which would not be a waste of time but at the same time help in keeping the demon within content and suppressed. For children, monsters are in their closets. For me, it is within me.

So I joined a gym, started taking guitar lessons (lets face it, everyone has this idea that nothing makes them wetter than a hot body and a guitar), stayed out of the house as much as I could, hung out with friends all the time, because once you have nothing to do, just sitting ideally at home, the urges come creeping. Slowly, but surely. You are sitting at home doing nothing, you are bored, your mind has nothing to occupy itself with and the seed of lust is planted. You are still ok. Still doing nothing, maybe an occasional thought of a chick you saw or that actress on tv. Then you suddenly see a magazine with a good cover, some glimpse of cleavage and you are fucked. A dash for the laptop for the usual drill.

Only way to avoid it is to never do nothing. Keep your hands full. With experience, you can turn this adversity to be your best friend. Today, I know how to play 3 different musical instruments, have read shit which ordinary people term ‘classics’, am fairly ripped and finally have those fine specimens of opposite gender on whom I can unleash myself. To my surprise, they love that depraved beast which I have contained within… and they would do anything to bring that side out.. Life started to be interesting. For the first time, I was loving myself. For the first time, I started to feel comfortable. In retrospect, it was a foolish mistake. I had underestimated the Yin.

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