Observations of a non-drinker

I am a social pariah. My curse is that I took my parents’ sermon a bit too seriously. “Do not drink, do not smoke, no matter what”, is what they said. Now when in a party while my friends are busy inventing random dance steps and going crazy, all I do is stand in a corner thinking what part of my body should I move next. This is how my brain talks to my body during such situations:
Brain– that guy is moving his hand in the air, do it dude! DO IT NOW!” “Hand– You mad bro?! It’s so awkward! I would rather try and act sophisticated by picking the nose and scratching that itchy armpit.” Legs– Screw you both! I would rather spread myself a little and slow hump that imaginary sex doll I brought to this party.” The deadly concoction results in a 6 foot tall lanky guy simulating an epilepsy attack on the dance floor.
Now when they make the invitee list for any party, they make sure they invite me. I am ze driver designatè’ now. This leaves me at the end of every party dropping some friend or friend of friend to his place because he/she can’t drive. I could not help but make a few generalisations about the drinking fraternity in India.
1. The Punjabi : They are the best people to be with when drunk. They know how to drink, read guzzle, their booze. Happy and cheerful. They will blabber nonsense about some ‘kudi’, tell you about their upcoming factories/plots/bungalows and let you off the hook. Also, this is the best time to ask for that Citizen watch you have been eyeing for such a long time.


2. Gujju : If you want to have fun seeing people drink, be with a gang of gujjus. Alcohol for them is no less than the fountain of youth. They will sit around 1 single bottle of whiskey, which they procured in Ahmedavad through some shady dealer and rub their hands in glee like Shakti Kapoor did before raping a woman. After 2 pegs you will not find even one of them awake. Even in the passed out stage, you can easily notice that peaceful smile covering the length and breadth of his face. Bliss, they call it.


3. Mumbaikar : The new age mumbaikar drinks only because it gives him a chance to roll his precious joint. Take that away from him and you will find the old age mumbaikar, i.e., drunk on desi daru and lying down in some gutter.


4. The South Indian : That always-so-quiet friend from south India suddenly is not quiet anymore. All that repressed rage that he has, comes out when it meets alcohol. Suddenly you find flashes of Rajnikant in front of you. The introvert is now an extrovert and he needs an audience. You better give it to him or it will all go awry. Also be prepared to dance with him on Tamil tunes.


5. The chicks : It is common sense to avoid dropping that drunk chick back home from the bar. Yes hollywood movies teach us differently. In real life, all that the drunk chick does is drunk dial her boyfriend, talk about some shit, yell and cry. And just when you think your ordeal is over, she throws up. And since you are the Chosen One, whenever she throws up, it will be either in your car or on your shoes. Stay away from drunk chicks.


The chest of my experiences grows richer as I drive home this once oil-slick guy from UP now turned hippie. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be on the blabbering, puking, making-an-idiot-of-myself side……Nah! Never!

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