The National Anthem is to us Indians what Viagra is to our private parts. Yes, that is exactly what the Supreme Court of India told us today. So the next time you’re in a theater, don’t be appalled if you start hearing ‘khada hai, khada hai, khada hai’. No, you shouldn’t look down in that case because they’re not talking about your erection. They’re probably just taking a head count.
Freedom of expression, free speech and other such big terms can now just take a backseat. Rather plan how to take their next dump while they’re at it. As you might know, SC has passed a verdict whereby it’ll be compulsory for movie theaters to play the national anthem before the screening of the movie. Yes, this includes Uday Chopra, Tusshar Kapoor and Rajpal Yadav movies. However, Aftab Shivadasani, Jugal Hansraj,Vivek Oberoi and Jacky Bhagnani movies have been granted exemption. Because you need an actual audience inside the theater for them.
You can decide for yourself about which side of the coin you want to be on for this. But I am not sure how much of a patriot you are if you’re going to watch Grand Masti with one hand inside your pants. Even if you’re standing up for the national anthem right before it starts.
If such a trend continues, here are some more announcements we can expect in the forthcoming days.
1. Lay flat on the floor every time you hear or read the word “Pakistan”
Since standing up for the national anthem represents patriotism, lying down flat on the floor without any movement probably means the exact opposite. So every time you read or hear the P word, just pretend to be in a mannequin challenge on the floor. Thus, further cementing the love for your country and a tad dislike for the noisy neighbours.
2. Celebrate Rakshabandhan 364 days a year.
Well we will leave out Valentine’s Day (or not if you’re GOT fans). Keeping in mind the good values and traditions (read Sanskaars) of our country, this is something that absolutely must be enforced upon us peasants. Good morals and strong ethics are just the beginning of the wonderful consequences this will bring about. It will lead to a decline in crime rate, a safer and secure country for women. And who is against gifts being exchanged pretty much every day? This will DIRECTLY boost the economy.
3. Put in Jail for having over 50 memes on your phone
This will ensure all those meme enthusiasts who cannot stop bragging about their collection finally meet their end. All those friends who make you feel inadequate and less superior and have the wittiest comebacks, ABOLISH THEM OUTRIGHT. And no the SC doesn’t take things lightly. There are no warnings, there are no hearings, 51st meme spotted and off you go. Tadaah!!
4. Compulsory to visit a holy place every time you drink & throw up
You know how important it is to drink responsibly. And the fact that our government does a lot to advocate and reiterate the same point day in day out with campaigns that have huge budgets, is outrageous. Instead, let’s save all that money, put it to better use (like maybe illegalize it or something). Let’s just make it compulsory by law for a man/woman to visit a holy place every time they drink too much and throw up. This keeps the drinking in check. And FURTHER (like we still needed it) reinstates the good values we’re ever ever EVER so proud of.
5. Ambanis to sponsor the National Anthem
Well considering that he owns pretty much everything there possibly is to own under the sun(in India), don’t be surprised if you have Jio or Reliance sponsored national anthems. And thus maybe it will become mandatory for you to sing ‘Jio jee bhar ke’ right at the end as Nita Ambani pops up on the screen with folded hands welcoming you. You think this is crazy? Let’s give it 5 years at best.
Screw pending cases, the rising crime rate, the incompetent work force and the terribly low sex ratio, issues like this demand the SC’s absolute prime attention.
Call it ridiculous or call it patriotic or call it lksenfmakewljfn, no one really cares because you have to abide by it. Next time you’re in that movie hall, make your country happy first and make love later.
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