What not to do on a first date

[Editor’s Note: Guru is a horny little man with weird fantasies which don’t let him operate like a normal human being. On first look he looks like a depressed young man who has nothing to give other than a strange mixture of alcohol stench and body odor. But if one digs deeper, he may find infinite amount of wisdom. He has a deadly combo of intelligence and intellect derived from cheap third grade movies like “shanno ki jawaani” and “champakali”. He has honed his survival skills by observing Indian politicians and vamps from Ekta kapoor serials. As a veteran of 6 half-blossomed relationships in 2 years, Nobody can beat his gyaan on relationships. From time to time, he comes to bless team CG by enlightening us on issues which according to him are the only reason of human existence.]


Something strange happened today. I went to a coffee shop. I saw something there. A couple on their first date. Now I have a theory about it. God must find it amusing otherwise there is no reason to pair a hot chick with a dumbass 9 times out of 10. Now this looked like a first date and I could not help overhearing things. This gave me a glimpse into why you never get that call back from her after the first date. Or why you are still single. Not that I am saying that one should be in a relationship, but more on it later. Let this be a lesson to all mankind as what not to do on the first date.


“So, what kind of music do you like?” This is your first question? Seriously, is this even a question? If you meet Sachin, will you ask him if he likes Cricket?  What if she says yes? What will you do? Ask her favorite band probably? Stop ask dumb questions you dumbfuck! Conversation has to be more casual, effortless. It should not be a bunch of questions you prepared during that long shower.


Be decisive. Now the guy in question was not able to make his mind about anything. Whether he should take the cold coffee or the shake? Should they go to a movie after this or should they go to watch a play? Will he do MBA after his college or have a job? Just shut up chodu! She wants you to take lead. Only in movies do chicks like somebody who fumbles, stammers and is indecisive. After extensive research, we have reached the conclusion that there is nothing more a woman likes more than a man with solid plan. When you ask a woman out on a date, have a game plan ready. Nothing turns her on more than a sure-footed confident man.


I have a BMW. So? If she is out with you because you have a fancy car or that fast bike, she already knows. No point telling her. Otherwise, you are just laying ground for her and all her friends and friends of friends to sneer on you.And may I ask what are you trying to achieve here? Cut the crap. Be subtle.


And finally, while leaving. I’ll call you on Wednesday. What are you doing? Selling an insurance policy? By saying something like this, you have killed the element of surprise and stopped her from calling you, if she was about to anyway. Don’t kill the spontaneity man.

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