Why I hate Chetan Bhagat

Chetan BhagatI am a self proclaimed “elite” reader, and hence by the correct standards of human and non-human understanding, kindly do assume that I am a Chetan Bhagat hater, which on some levels, is true. Okay, make that all the levels you can think of. In an unrelated fact, sky’s the limit. Now, some Chetan Bhagat fans (I almost choked on my own vomit while writing this particular sentence) might ponder, ‘why all these “elite” readers are C-Bag haters’ and why all the fans aren’t considered as “elite” readers.

Let me clear this dilemma for all you earthly creatures. Come hither my minions and pay attention.

Chetan Bhagat, an ignominious IITian, a banker, regular columnist (Oh! Lord. Why?) and a wannabe youth icon, is a very well-known author in India and other surrounding countries where the literacy rate has decided to never come out of the hole where Britisher’s left it. He has written and somehow got published five point something novels. To be a fair judge, I have read all of his novels. And hence I take utmost pleasure in criticizing Mr. Bhagat for his heart throbbing work. Keeping the typos, grammatical errors and his non-literary language aside, there are a million other reasons about him that we can loathe, and not be wrong about. One fairly common flaw that you might find in his books will be the sex scenes. Truly sensuous description of these scenes, like they did in Kanti Shah’s ‘Angoor’. The other would be Engineering. And the irony is, in real life, they aren’t related at all.

He sells his books keeping in mind that most of his audience will be the youth (i.e 90% Engineers acc. to e.p.w); and Engineers, being a sex deprived abundant breed often find his depiction of sex scenes as a way to you know what.

For starters, I found ‘Revolution 2020’ really amusing. The book had nothing to do with the title. It was a mere narration of unrelated incidents that happen in two different cities. Being a Kota resident, I found the first 100 pages really amazing, fictional and out of the context; which fortunately lead me nowhere even in the proximity to the plot. Of course, how could it lead me to the plot, when there wasn’t any. He must have chosen this title by some chit, ‘inky-pinky-ponky-father-had-a-donkey’ method. Because, believe you me, there wasn’t any revolution or any year even close to 2020. Then there was this book, five point someone, which he claimed was the script of 3 idiots. For the first time, I believed him. My mistake, yes I did. Because, you know, who else can write a better fictional Bollywood story than the guy himself. ‘One night at the call center’ and ‘The three mistakes of my life’ are almost stamped as the books which young India doesn’t and should never want.

CB tweetBut Chetan Bhagat is courageous. He is courageous enough to answer back to Salman Rushdie, he is courageous enough to write sexist columns in TOI (which, for the records, is no less than soft porn digest magazine these days), he is courageous enough to tweet vulgar one liners. Taking all these into consideration, of course, he should have courage to publish the books. Leading the Durjoy Dutta(s) and other MBA-Engineer-Banker authors, CB is definitely a horrible mistake that happened in the glorious history of Indian Literature. R.K Narayan, Vikram Seth and others, who represented India in the field of English Literature must be weeping somewhere while reading his horribly narrated intimate scenes. In fact, as we speak, many of these giants have turned in their graves like a whirlpool.

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