Women are Vain | Men are in Vain

Earlier last week I was accompanied by a female friend to the mall for Diwali shopping. For men, Diwali shopping mostly means some clothes, and a lot of booze. For women, Diwali shopping mostly means shopping for the entire arsenal required to invade and conquer all the clothing stores in the Asia-Pacific region.

They want dresses, and bras to wear under dresses, and jackets to wear over dresses, and scarves to wear over jackets worn over dresses, and a ribbon to wear over the scarves worn over the jackets worn over the dresses, and an anaconda to wrap around their necks and what not. Then they want nail paints, mascaras, eye-liners, lip gloss, lip stick, lip this, lip that. Then there’s foundation make up. Then there’s jewelry. Then there are shoes. So many of them that it never ends.

women-fashion-dressingThe problem is that women are too vain … which is not to say men are not. But let’s just say men are in vain. There’s a stark difference between how men and women look at themselves. Women want to be pretty and hot. Men don’t. As rightly said by someone on Twitter, “Wits are a man’s tits”. Men just want to sound smart; because that is the one thing nobody associates with the fairer gender. So no competition.

Women look at Katrina Kaif on TV and go, “That bitch. Wish I had fuller lips”. Men look at Hrithik Roshan on TV and go, “So he’s hot. But does he know how to play a slog sweep to a medium pacer?” Men, when in school, talk to each other about how they look, decide on how they look, form a firm opinion, and stick to it all their life. This is why you’ll never see a man ask anyone “How am I looking?” … they know. Even if it is wrong, they know. Women will stand in front of their man and go “Do I look fat in this?”- The answer to that question is NO, unless you want to find yourself 10 meters under the earth with donkey poop and GI Joe to play around with.

Why are women this way? There’s a reason. Blame it on childhood. Girls get up on time, cranky-morning-kidhave a bathe, are readied by their mothers with ponytails, earrings, et all, and sent off to school. Boys get up late, doze off while brushing, doze off while crapping, doze off while showering, are pulled out of the showers by their mothers, thrown inside shabby clothes, and rushed off to school. Girls play with their dolls and teddies so much that they want to grow up looking as pretty and dressing as impeccably like their toys. Boys play around with miniature version of superheroes, and trucks so much that they think it is a superpower to be tattered and wretched.

The result of this is that women grow up to care. Women are emotional beings. They want to care about themselves and everyone else (not true for all women, but let’s generalize for assumption purposes). Women REALLY do worry if their arms are looking an inch thicker than last month. Men don’t. A man can hide all of Singapore’s population under his pot belly and not give a shit about it. Women want to wax all the hair off their body. A man is more excited about if he can grow hair enough to beat the total forestation in the Amazon. Women care about how they are dressed. Men don’t … as long as they are dressed. How many times have you seen a lady in stained clothes come for a morning walk? Men will even wear 5-day old underwear to the office. Women want all sort of fragrances … perfumes, deodorants, colognes, everything. A man could be sitting there with his body odour interfering with FM radio’s signals, and be proud of it.

This is how we were probably made. This is how we were probably supposed to be. Hence, women better not try and change men. We are in vain.

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