Why should politicians have all the fun?
It’s about time that we – the mango people – wake up and smell the coal. It’s time for us to usher into the beautiful world of scams – personalized scams. How to go about it? Let me help you here. You see, I am an expert in this area. Just follow these guidelines.
1. CHOOSE AN AREA OF “SPECIALIZATION”
Just like you do before joining any college, you have to choose an “area” first. Like Shri Raja-ji chose telecom, Kalmadi-Ji chose sports, Himesh-Ji chose music, etc; you should also choose an area of expertise.
If you were always somewhat good at writing stuff, take inspiration from Chetan Bhagat. Or maybe sports, if you used to finish even second last during school sports day races. Bottom line is – choose wisely. After all, your whole “career” depends upon this single choice.
2. DECIDE THE MAGNITUDE
Remember to always know the destination first before starting the journey. In this case, the destination is the “magnitude” of your scam. Politicians are big entities and hence, can think about figures like 70K Cr or 1.86 lac Cr.
Now, if you are a small fish with no big crocodile as a friend, you should gradually move up. Jump onto lacs when you are sure that there’s someone big out there who can at least provide some cover for your ass.
You can take the help of the following table:
No “big” friends: Small magnitude, probably thousands.
Marginally ‘big’ friends: Can go up to 5 lakhs
Real biggies: Think in crores, say 50 Cr
Sharks with access to atomic bombs (to be used in an emergency): GO FUCKIN WILD! KALMADI STYLE!
3. ALWAYS START SLOW
For starters, never jump onto something quickly. Lie low in the beginning. Don’t start jumping with joy the day you earn your first thousand. Wait till you have achieved at least 50% of your intended target/destination.
Remember – so many promising “careers” were ruined just because they got idiotically excited on Day 1. Take it easy.
4. CHOOSE FRIENDS WISELY
You will need friends. Super influential ones. No doubt about it. In this day & age of media annihilation, you need people who can stop pesky rockets from bombing your rear. If you fall in the 3rd & 4th category in the above-given table, you are safe.
Move on to the next point. But if you fall in the first two, you need to figure out in the very beginning who should be your “friends”. Never forget to pick one each from the police & lawyer fraternity. They are ALWAYS handy. Of course, their hands need to be greased from time to time but well, to win big, you need to lose some.
In the words of The disgruntled Genius – With great friends, comes increased “magnitude”.
5. WCS ANALYSIS
WCS – Worst Case Scenario Analysis is very important. There may be a time when you slip up and get caught. Always be prepared for such shit. Gathering influential friends is just one part of it. Main thing is that you should be totally manipulative. You should NEVER accept the blame.
NEVER. Even if you were video-graphed during the act, always refuse. And never ever keep that little black/red mini diary with every dirty transaction you made. I don’t know why they still do that but it is downright stupid.
Learn the following dialogues by heart:
‘It’s my opponent’s gameplan to defame me.’
‘I was caught unawares.’
‘Police / Media / Boss / Wife / Girlfriend is distorting all the facts.’
‘I trust our judiciary process.’
‘Let the law take its own course.’
AND FINALLY – ‘I am innocent till proven guilty.’ end of Goddamn story!
Just follow and remember the above steps and you too shall become a great scamster someday. Do remember to thank me on that day.
Go on, live your life Children. God Bless.