Okay, I’m maintaining a diary as to whom I’ve had a conversation with because the list keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. First, it was Hitler, which was pretty cool. That single-balled shorty wasn’t so bad, his mustache on the other hand… Then I met the poster boy of the controversy of Indian cricket.
None other than the paedo looking, head-scratching, monkey dancing S. Sreesanth. Now I can’t say that I did not enjoy that conversation, but if I could, I would undo that meeting. I thought I couldn’t get any lower. A date with Sreesanth is no less than a dance with Rahul Mahajan.
But then, it got lower and hit me where it hurts the most. You see, all my adult life, I’ve taken pride in the fact that I and pop music are about as far as Rakhi and logic, or Rahul and a coherent, intelligent conversation.
Never would have I imagined that I’ll meet a pop star until I did. And no, that pop star wasn’t Michael Jackson or Madonna. It was Zayn Malik. Yes, Zayn Malik. From 1Direction. Soon as I saw him, I ran in the other direction. *ba dum tss*. Anyway, lame puns aside, I’ve no idea why I would dream of a guy from 1Direction.
Rendezvous With Zayn Malik
I’m not a girl, and I’m definitely not gay. Though he’s kinda cute, I guess. And I liked his hair. His voice was alright. He was wearing nice clothes too. Alright let me say that again; I’m definitely not a girl, and I think I’m not gay. Anyway, here’s how it went:
Me: I.. I think I’ve seen you. I can’t remember from where, but I’ve definitely seen you.
Zayn: Yeah, I don’t wanna brag but I’m kinda world famous. I participated in a show and although I did not win the show, I won the hearts of many people. So instead of the boring deal with a record label and a million bucks, I got a few guys to make music with and like a billion fans.
You know, I feel so lucky to have earned all this in my life. I’m in my twenties and have seen the world, met a lot of people, and even earned enough to live a whole lifetime. I feel blessed. So perhaps that’s where you know me from.
Me: Oh no, I saw a photo of Harry Styles grabbing your no man’s land. Yup, that’s where I know you from.
Zayn: Dude, seriously? And it wasn’t me. Or was it? I can’t remember. It could have been me.
Me: So anyway, what kind of a name is 1Direction? Look at other bands – Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Nirvana, Staind. Don’t you think your band could have had a better name?
Zayn: There aren’t a lot of words we know..
Me: Well, fair enough. I hear you’ve got Pakistani roots. How about that?
Zayn: Yes yes. I’m proud of my roots. See, Pakistan has contributed so much to the world. Being a Pakistani means the world to me. I don’t know what I would be if I wasn’t a rooted Pakistani. Pakistan is the best. In Pakistan, we believe.
Me: You’re really so proud to be a Pakistani?
Zayn: No, I just hope if you’re making a sting and this comes out, the Taliban doesn’t kill me. Our cricket team sucks, though. Even the Taliban says that.
Me: The world says that. So I hear you’re leaving the band. What’s up with that?
Zayn: oh what can I say, man! It’s been a roller-coaster. A fun journey. But all this limelight, all this attention; I feel like I’m not in touch with myself anymore. I need to take some time out from this madness and connect with myself. I want to discover myself.
Me: Hmmm.. Smells like Kurt Cobain.
Zayn: No, I don’t do coke.
Me: *facepalm* Do you feel suffocated with everybody surrounding you and wanting to know every moment of your life?
Zayn: Between you and me, not really. I want to launch my solo career. These 1Direction arseholes are stealing my light away. I need monies and bitchessss.
Me: …and to think I was starting to respect you.
Zayn: Well, you should respect me. Our lyrics are deep. They mean something. Only intellectuals can appreciate our lyrics.
Me: Yeah? How so..?
Zayn: There’s this song of ours. Goes like, “You don’t know you’re beautiful. That’s what makes you beautiful.”
Me: Yeah so?
Zayn: Hah! Puny minds. Let me explain the paradox here. The female form in question is beautiful, and the very fact that she doesn’t know that she’s beautiful makes her beautiful. But now that I’ve told her that she’s beautiful, she knows that she’s beautiful.
And now that she knows that she’s beautiful, the reason that she was beautiful is gone. So now she isn’t beautiful. But now that she isn’t beautiful, and now that she knows that she isn’t beautiful, makes her beautiful. Say whaaaaaat!
Me: Too many thats and beautifuls..
Zayn: Only a Stephen Hawking or an Einstein could understand our paradoxes. You’re just too imbecile to understand the greatness here.
Me: Yeah? What’s 153 divided by 3?
Zayn: pi/2, asshole!
Me: What? How did you even..?
Zayn: I’m going. I can’t take any more of your retarded shit. Bye.
And before I could say anything, he was gone. Now I’m sure he was high. Perhaps on hash, cause he made it pretty clear that Zayn doesn’t do cocaine. I don’t know why he reminded me of Alia, perhaps because Zayn doesn’t do cocaine. But yeah, this was very informative.
I hope I don’t see Harry next. Styles or Potter. Lord, make me meet Hermoine, please. The things that I would do to her… I would make her tea and a nice breakfast. Lol!
Now you know what I’ve been through. If this was a movie, I would have become a Rockstar after this trauma. But alas! This ain’t a movie and Zayn don’t do cocaine.