I got into stand-up comedy with one purpose: to make people laugh and make their worries disappear. This is the line I have memorized to tell those pests from magazines and papers who want to do a profile.

The real reason was chicks.

Because of chicks like funny guys. Or so I thought. After some time, I realized that there is a valid reason why girls don’t have shirtless posters of R.K. Laxman adoring their walls. Because they don’t know what the hell they want in their freaking lives.

But this article isn’t about that. It’s about the real problems faced by us stand-up comics. Some of us have taken this thing up professionally while I did it as a hobby but the problems remain the same.

Tough Life of a Stand-Up Comic – Daily Life Problems of A Stand-Up Comic

Here are some of those:

1) “JOKE SUNAO PLEASE”

So, you are at a gathering and meeting new people. You mention that you do stand-up. So what is the next thing they ask? “Accha? Koi joke sunao”. And suddenly, you feel like the Jew surrounded by Joke-Nazis waiting to judge you on the quality of your joke.

2) THE ‘KILLER’ PUNCHLINE

Sometimes your friends rile you on just to hear that “killer” punchline or comeback from you. Trust me, even if you are lying on a road bleeding the fuck out, some asshole friend will surely make a lame sarcastic comment expecting a “clever comeback” in return.

Example: Asshole friend – “Boy! You all red! Looking like a communist man!

Me – Stop or you won’t even know which of your holes I inserted that Maoist gun.

Asshole friend: Cool man! Nice one. .

Me: I was serious you madar.

3) SERIOUS-NESS? WHAT’S THAT?

There are dumb people. And then there are the ones who have brains the size of a tapeworm. The latter are the ones who think that EVERY bloody line you say is not serious at all. Trust me, even if you tell them that they are on fire, they will assume that you are complimenting them and move on.

4) PEOPLE STILL LAUGH THE LOUDEST ON MA-BHEN

You can make the smartest of sarcastic jokes and people will just giggle. But include Ma-Bhen in a lame joke and the roof will fall! I have done this deliberately sometimes and every time, the loudest laughs were reserved for Ma and Bhens. And it doesn’t even matter which city it was. Every audience is the same.

Sigh.

5) ATTENTION-SEEKING CHUTIYAS LAUGH AT .. EVERYTHING!

Then there are the ones who want to talk to you desperately so as to know you better. And it’s ONLY because they want to look “cool” in their silly groups that they go to “cool” events like stand-ups and they actually know the performers. A tip: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM!

They practically laugh at everything you say because they want to look like page-3 whores who get all the sarcasm and dirt on everybody. But eventually, they end up making a retarded monkey look smarter.

For example Attention wala chutia (AWC) : So, why did you get into stand-up?

Me: As a hobby. I thought I can do it so here I am.. up on that freakin stage!

AWC: Ha ha! Up on freak in the stage! Haha..what a line!

Me: What the Bhen!!

6) DIE-HARD PESSIMISTS

Then there is the other extreme spectrum. The die-hard pessimists. They have been fucked so hard by life that their assholes resemble the Grand Canyon now. They NEVER laugh. And they ALWAYS sit in the front row during a performance.

Buttholes. They dent confidence perfectly. They are there to make your life difficult. And when you are done, you feel as relieved as one does after his constipation finally ends.

Tip: Want to perfectly counter these buttwipes? Keep your focus on people falling in type (5) above. That shall do.

7) THOSE WHO GET OFFENDED

A joke on women: Offense.  Why? We have to respect women and blah blah.

A joke on religion: Offense. Why? We have to respect religions and blah blah.

A joke on a sensitive issue like the Tamils or Khalistan or Terrorism: Offense. Why? Sensitive topic.

A joke on … ah, whatever.

This is India. And getting offended is our national pastime.

So well, if anyone wants to get into stand-up, do keep in mind the “thorns” that come with the roses (beautiful and sometimes, hot roses). Good luck with that!